Why Do I Let Cancer Keep Bullying Me?
Cancer: The Classic Bully
September 21, 2009
As I write this blog entry, I find myself still mired in the fear that cancer leaves its survivors.
The dirty little secret of survivorship is that it takes years and years to completely move past the fear of dying. The negative thoughts are real and do have a physiological effect. And to make things worse, most supporters and loved ones of cancer survivors just assume since the cancer is “in remission,” that life will return to the same normal picture that it was before. For some of us, that may never happen. This causes us to feel isolated at times, alone with our negative thoughts.
In my current situation, I am technically “in remission” for the 5th time in my life. I’ve had 5 bouts with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, most of them Stage 4 and very life threatening.
I feel I have done or, am doing, everything that is possible to live a peaceful, happy and fulfilled life. Here’s a short list of the things I’m talking about:
1. I’ve written a book,This Time's a Charm; Lessons of a Four-Time Cancer Survivor, to help other patients and loved ones get a real picture of what cancer is really like. I did this because I felt that I owed my fellow cancer network the knowledge that I had gained and should anything happen to me, I wanted my experiences and messages to remain “out there.”
2. I’ve studied extensively the Buddhist philosophy of living in the moment, appreciating life and extending authentic compassion on to everyone you meet.
3. I meditate every day, clearing my mind and connecting with the healing power of the Universe.
4. I see a psychologist weekly to discuss my progress, or lack thereof some days.
5. I exercise aerobically 5 times each week.
6. I eat very healthy meals and drink MonaVie (fruit juice containing acai and 18 other juices) every day.
7. I stay very busy with duties for my book, as well as household chores and cancer advocacy events.
8. On most days, I enjoy 1-2 glasses of red wine. (Said to be beneficial for lymphoma patients)
9. I get regular CT scans to gauge my disease’s state.
10. I keep up on the latest research in the area of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. (BTW, there’s some VERY interesting research being done right now in this disease!)
11. I remind myself thousands of times per day “I’m healthy now. I’m on to the Next Chapter in my life.”So you can see, my life is very complete and very satisfying. But even I still have periods that I go through where the fear of dying from cancer cannot be ignored or pushed off mentally. And I don’t know if it’s really a fear of dying as much as it is a fear of letting my loved ones down that I would have lost my “battle” with cancer.
For me, death is not something to be feared. It just is. It is the nature of all life and I find it far more peaceful to come to terms with that fact while I’m still fully alive to enjoy the life I currently have.
With all of this considered, at times, I’m still baffled why I let cancer bully me mentally. I know as I get farther into remission and farther away from having to have chemo, this will get easier. My goal is to let all of you who are dealing with this bully know that it’s not your fault for having some negative thoughts. It’s a side effect of the disease and it’s pretty much predictable.
If there’s anything I can do personally to help you deal with your ordeal mentally, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. dwilhelm@thistimesacharm.com Our online cancer network is a resource that doesn’t yet get used to its fullest potential.
Thanks for what you're doing
'm a hodgkins survivor as well. At this point I've only had to face it once and that was tough enough so I can't imagine facing it again. At the same time I learned a ton and, like you, want to do whatever I can to help others who are fighting. My focus is to take the crud that comes with fighting this disease and find the good. Thanks again for what you're doing.-www.cheeruponline.blogspot.com
re:
Bless your heart Donald! I know how you feel. And I know its hard to explain to others how you feel if they havent been there themselves... it's just not something they can quite comprehend. Cancer IS so much more emotional than physical, isn't it? It sure Is/was for me. I will continue to pray for your health and well being. I was declared "in remission" from stage IV also, in May. Get the results of my latest PET Wednesday :)
Bullies
Hi Don,Thanks for a great post. It's always interesting to get some insight into the psychology / emotional life of others who have beaten cancer - I think it's the topic about cancer that most intrigues me. How do we cope? Why do we feel the way we do? etc. I'll be a 10 year survivor of Hodgkins this December and just turned 33 yesterday. I still get the jittery fears of a reoccurrence creep up every once in a while - especially when I'm feeling stressed or get sick with the flu or something similar. I then tend to do a bit of beating myself up mentally for overexerting myself, or not meditating, or just plain not taking care of myself. But it soon passes - it seems to be just old patterns that keep coming back to hang out. But you know, those moments, as much as they seem like a pain in the butt, also seem to remind me that I do appreciate all that I have in my life. Yeah, I got the flu, but my life still rocks on the macro-scale. It reminds me to take stock and remember how sweet it is to not have cancer. Just some thoughts your post reminded me of. Thanks, Michael www.lifeemerging.com
Great Post
Nice Post Donald, as U2 said : Some days have bouncers that won't let you in. But then there are plenty of great days when the bully is out of sight and further from your mind.
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About Don
Don Wilhelm, author of This Time's a Charm and a 4-time cancer survivor, shares his knowledge and experiences with cancer through this Website.
Read more about Don Wilhelm
You continue to amaze me -
Thank-you so much for this post. I have read your book, and have not checked your blog for some time (I am glad I did today!). You continue to amaze me Donald, and all I have to say is WOW. The 'jitters' are definitely part of the healing process. I have been off of chemo since July (after 12 monthly cycles for my brain tumour), and have been able to carry-on quite normally. It's a new 'normal' now, and I think it is for any Cancer patient. The innocence prior to being diagnosed has been lost, but I truly like myself (and understand myself) much better than I ever have. I am incredibly positive, and keep getting great results back from my 3-month check-ups - but it still continues to haunt me. I do my very best to keep myself pre-occupied with how great my life is, how great it is to be alive - to have such a wonderful family, and to be married to the girl of my dreams. Life is good - and my experience has shaped me into the person I am today. By reading your post, it's good to know that my thoughts are 'normal', or common for other survivors. We are all extremely lucky. Thank-you for all that you do. I look forward to seeing more posts. Best of luck :) Mark