January 7, 2009

After being diagnosed with cancer, many patients revert to a sort of primitive survival mode when it comes to emotions. At least this is what I’ve seen in my cancer career. (4 times in 5 years) It’s like the majority of your feelings are put on hold and the only real thing to surface is fear. That and mild panic, depending on the patient. This internal, emotional shutdown can have devastating effects on the cancer patient’s relationships, specifically their husband or wife.

All too many times we hear the phrase, “we hurt the ones we love the most.” It’s especially true in cases of cancer. When we’re faced with a life-threatening disease, our ability to relate to most people becomes severely restrained. Caring about trivial matters like traffic, electric bills and dry cleaning is next to impossible. We find ourselves relying heavily on our significant others for support and translation to the “outside world.” And often we abuse those close relationships…not intentionally though.

Cancer patients are forced to carry huge burdens, from personal survival, to estate planning to how to say “goodbye” to friends and family. Though many don’t ultimately die from their disease, our caregivers and supporters need to understand that we still go through those issues mentally. We don’t mean to “dump” on our loved ones all the time. It’s just that we literally have no other outlet at times to cope with the emotional trauma we’re experiencing.

If I could give some advice to the loved ones of cancer patients, I’d tell you to model yourself after my incredible wife, Amy. She can tell when I’m down and she PROACTIVELY asks me what’s on my mind. Her goal is merely to listen to me and understand. Not to give advice. Here’s an example:

“You seem pretty quiet today. Something weighing on you?” – Amy
“Um, kinda. I got my CT results today…not good.” –Don
“I’m sorry. I’m sure that must be frustrating and scary for you.” – Amy
“Yeah. I’m just so sick of dealing with all of this!!” – Don
“I know you are. You deserve to be. What’s the most frustrating part?” – Amy

And so on. You see where I’m going with this. She seeks to understand what’s bothering me WITHOUT trying to give me advice. Caregivers please don’t try to give a cancer patient unsolicited advice. It’s hard enough dealing with all the emotions that cancer is saddled with. All we want is someone to let us express our concerns. No directions you offer are going to help us. Only your caring listening skills will assist us in moving through our psychological speed bumps.